It seems like when you have any type of disability, just when you think you are getting everything under control and have it together something comes along just to knock you down again. At least that is how I feel right now.
I was doing better than I had in a long time actually. I was staying on my medication for my Bipolar Disorder and it is helping me a lot. I broke down and had to take some extra medication for my anxiety that I had not expected, but with the help of my very good doctor and therapist I realize that is okay. It helps me even the playing the field so I can be happy and live my life. There were still some big stressors going on in my life and we were adjusting my medication which at times made me feel like I had failed because I had been doing so well for so long. I had to realize that there will be times I will have to adjust it because your body gets used to it and it does not do the job it is supposed to do. I am not a failure for that. I would be failing if I did not adjust it and just tried to live with my life on the same dose or with no medication. I would eventually go back to the big ups and downs that had caused so many problems before. That is not what I want.
So in December when I ended up in the hospital with blood clots in my lung I really just broke down and did not think I could take anymore. I was very scared I would not be here to see my kids grow up because I had lost two cousins to blood clot issues. I was very terrified. My youngest son would bring me a little toy every night when he came to visit so I would not get lonely and my other son just gave me a big hug and told me I better not die on him. I know they were just as scared as I was so I had to show them I was not leaving them yet. I was very lucky I went in when I did and I am still here today and I am so grateful that I am. But no one prepared me for what life would be like after that. I did not think it would affect me so much.
I can handle being on the blood thinners for the rest of my life if it means it will help keep me here on this earth. At first they made me tire out a lot easier and I bruise a lot easier but that is okay. I have felt really bad this summer for my kids. I love summer. I love the heat and the warm sun. Now though, when it is too warm or humid my legs hurt so bad that I start to feel sick and all I can do is try to cool down and put my legs up. It makes me feel like I am being a bad mom sometimes. Then it starts making me feel down and I do not do the things that I know help me to stay well mentally. Things like writing or even just coloring with my son. Watching him play in his little pool. As my legs have bothered me a lot this summer I have had to have the boys help me a little more and that depresses me. But they like being able to help mom and sometime they even ask if there is anything they can do even when I feel good.
So now they laugh at me when I say it is too hot in the house because I am the one who is usually too cold all the time. My youngest son has become my best walking buddy and really pushes me that way. I am trying to find positives out of all of this because it seems there is always something new happening just when I think I am getting control of my disabilities. I am starting to write again since I have lots of time when I have to rest my legs and I am getting to spend nice quality time with my kids. Hearing them laugh and fight is something I will not take for granted. I am doing my puzzle books I love and listening to my son read to my and teaching my other son to drive. I get to see my granddaughter through facetime which is wonderful. I may miss out on somethings but I have to look at the big picture. I can feel my children’s wonderful arms around my neck giving me hugs and hear them tell me they love me. I just have to take things one day at a time. To remember there are many beautiful things in this world if you just take the time to look. There are even beautiful things within our disabilities.